The Strong Willed Child, Take 2

I have had a revelation that perhaps my parenting style is not failing with Nicholas, but that maybe I missed the boat with Patrick. Let me explain...Patrick was a very easy going baby and toddler. The terrible twos did not visit our house. I can remember when he was three, a couple of throw down fits in his room when he was sent to time out (a couple meaning two total). Patrick has always been a thinker, looking for ways to build, fix or work things. He is a problem solver. He loves science and math. He is very much the commentator of our family. He is not aggressive and doesn't seem to have much of a temper. He is, however, passive aggressive. He argues indefinitely. He challenges our authority. When he was 4, he would get mad if I wouldn't let him have his way and say that he wanted to throw all of his toys away (this was not just once, but many times until I finally made it clear to him that if he said it again, I would pack them up to take them to G.R.A.C.E.). Yesterday, I gave him a warning that if he didn't stop arguing with me, then he would be grounded from his DS for a day. His response was, "No, a week. I want to be grounded for a week." I said "OK, a week." Then he went on to 3 weeks, 10 weeks, 20 weeks. Later, I realized that I was allowing him to stay in control by continuing to agree with his upping the punishment. Of course, we ended up back to a day, if he would apologize. Well, then he doesn't know what he is supposed to apologize for. We have heard this so much over the years and it is very frustrating. He always knows what he is supposed to apologize for, but plays a game of not knowing. There is that control issue again. Anyways, it has been a hard summer for me with both boys. Nicholas can't take all of the blame. Patrick pushes the limit with me constantly. We have tried a chore chart, reward system, grounding him from play dates, taking away video games. Taking away swimming and play overs has somewhat worked, but it is still so constant around here. I am worn out with both of them. I know a lot of his behavior such as antagonizing his little brother is based around jealousy and just simple sibling rivalry. I do understand that. However, now that I am reading all of these parenting books desperately looking for an answer; I have come to the conclusion that there is none. As silly as it is, I was hoping that the books I am reading would give me a magic formula for raising children. They have not. They HAVE provided some insight into a child's mind and general developments. I have also learned the psychology behind behavior and methods to deal with it positively. I will continue in prayer for guidance and strength. I will pray that Chuck's schedule will improve or that his next promotion will take place quickly, so his hours will be better and he won't be gone for 14+ hours a day. Patrick is starting school next week and I am determined to get a part time job and send Nicholas to a Mothers Day Out program. I think we all just need a time out at this point.